P.C. Fear Factor
An Original Parody
3/1/2002
As the first scene opens, we find host Joe Rogan standing in front of a line of people outside the NBC studios. He is looking over his shoulders at the protesters. They are holding signs that say such things as “P.E.T.A Opposes Fear Factor” and “Equality NOW on Fear Factor!” Rogan turns to the camera, and announces:
Rogan: Good evening. Recently a number of environmentalists and vegetarians have been camped outside our offices here at Fear Factor protesting what they call our “barbarous contest mentality.” They feel that our stunts are neither environmentally sound, nor are they particularly animal friendly. As examples, they cite the fact that we often use fossil fuel burning vehicles such as sports cars, helicopters and speed boats which pollute the air. In respect to their claim that we are not animal friendly, they point out our frequent rodeo stunts and food challenges which require the participants to eat unappetizing meat-based products.
In response to their complaints, we have decided to produce the first ever P.C. edition of Fear Factor. We took four contestants from the ranks of the protesters, and they are suited up and ready to go. Normally, we start with six contestants, but all we could find were four who would agree to appear. The others didn’t want to participate, because they didn’t want to miss frequent sit-in participant, Martin Sheen, who has promised to join the protest after he wraps his voice over on a commercial for some multi-national conglomerate.
Actually, we only found three contestants from the protesters, but we need an even number, so we got the fourth contestant from our regular pool of contestants. And now, on with Fear Factor – P.C. Edition.
The screen fades out on Mr. Rogan and in on four people walking down a beach. The camera isolates one contestant, a woman in a muumuu with flowers in her long unkempt hair. The print on the screen under her face reads, “Sunshine Moonbeam, Co-op Organizer.”
Sunshine: (In a voice over) I’ve never been one for competition. It’s so competitive and stuff. I just intend to do my best and hope that the others will also. We’re all just beautiful children of the world, man.
The screen shifts to the next contestant, a thin man in a pink polo shirt and black cotton pants. The print under his picture reads “Bruce Simmons, Professional Ice-Dancer.”
Bruce: (In a voice over) Oh, God, is that me? I look like a piece of bad taffy. Anyway, I hope I win. A bunch of us want to take a trip to Mardi Gras next year down in Rio.
The screen shifts to the next contestant, a muscular woman in camouflage fatigues with a bandanna on her sleeveless arms. The print on the screen under her face reads, “Carla Hisson, Truck Driver.”
Carla: (In a voice over) I’m going to win this thing. I have too. I really need the electrolosis.
The screen shifts to the next contestant, a big burly guy in a Steelers’ shirt and jeans. The print under his picture reads “Stan Wojonowitz, Construction Foreman.”
Stan: (In a voice over) I can’t believe they picked me for this show. This is so cool, I can’t lose. I’m up against three chicks. Well, maybe they’re a little homely, but I think I have a chance with the broad in the pink shirt.
The screen shifts to Joe Rogan waiting for the contestants at the lot. They reach him, and he explains the first stunt – pointing out the props as he goes along.
Rogan: Hello. This first stunt is the elimination round. Usually, we eliminate one man and one woman, but that would be considered sexist, so the two of you who complete the stunt the fastest will move on to the next round with no regard to gender. What we want you to do is pick up as many bundles of paper as you can and take it to the recycle bin at the end of the road until the papers are all gone. Then while blindfolded, sort the cans from that pile of bottles near the bins and put them in their respective containers. The two of you who complete that the fastest will advance to the next round. The other two will have to go home. Are there any questions?
Bruce raises his hand.
Rogan: Yes, Bruce.
Bruce: Will you be providing canvas smocks?
Rogan: No, you’ll just have to wear what you have on, or take your shirt off.
Stan whistles and claps his hands.
Bruce: I can’t take my shirt off, Joe. My mother will see my tattoo, it would just kill her.
Rogan: Well, I’m sorry, then you’ll have to get your shirt dirty.
Bruce: I can’t do that either. Kenneth bought this shirt for me. I love this shirt.
Rogan: Are you forfeiting, then?
Bruce: I suppose I have to. I’m sorry.
We see Bruce walking slowly away from the camera, back the way he came. As the camera follows his slow sashay, we hear him in voice over.
Bruce: (In a voice over) Actually, I think I could have won the competition today, but it’s just such a nice shirt, and Kenneth was so nice to lend it – I mean give it to me that – Oh, who am I kidding. He didn’t give it to me. I borrowed it without asking, and if I ruined it, he’d never speak to me again.
Back to the action…
Rogan: Okay, we’ve drawn lots to see who goes first. Carla that’s you. How do you feel about things?
Carla: I feel good. I think I can do this. We recycle at home. My Field & Streams are in a bundle right now.
Rogan: All right then. Let’s do this.
Carla picks up a large bundle of papers and braces them under her arm. She looks at the rest of the papers lying in a pile, and appears to change her strategy. She suddenly shifts her load to her hands and hurls it toward the bins. Quickly, she begins hurling the other bundles. The camera shifts to the others as they watch.
Stan: Is that legal?
Rogan: Yeah, I guess, as long as she puts everything in the proper bin. Man, that girl can hurl a bundle.
Carla: (In voice over as the camera shows her tossing bundles) I was on the track team in high school. The girls coach took a real shine to me, and taught me a lot about hurling. We spent many a late night all alone in that field. That woman was really dedicated. Anyway, it all really came in handy today.
After finishing with the hurling, Carla sprints to the bins and tosses the stacks in. Afterward, she begins on the bottle pile. She covers her eyes, and begins digging into the pile discarding all of the cans in a blur.
Carla: (In voice over as the camera shows her tossing cans) I can distinguish a bottle from a can by feel better than by sight. You don’t want to know why.
After completing the event, she returns to the group and Rogan gives her time.
Rogan: In every trial we ran on this event, the fastest any of our professionals could do it was about ten minutes. You did it in two minutes flat.
Carla: Wow.
Rogan: Sunshine, you’re next. Now, you don’t have to beat her time, you just have to do it fast enough to set a time Stan can’t beat. Do you think you can do it?
Sunshine: Do what?
Rogan: Do you think you can set a time Stan can’t beat?
Sunshine: I’ll do my best. What do you want me to do?
Rogan: Didn’t you just see Carla do it?
Sunshine: Do what?
Rogan: Complete the contest?
Sunshine: Oh, is it my turn now?
Rogan: Yes. Are you ready?
Sunshine: I suppose. I just have one question.
Rogan: What is it?
Sunshine: Do I have to take my shirt off? You told Bruce we had to take our shirts off.
Rogan: No, you don’t have to take your shirt off.
Sunshine: Do you have something against the nude body, Joe? Because there’s nothing unnatural or wrong about the nude human form.
As she speaks, Sunshine begins peeling off her clothing. The screen goes black with only the word “Censored” on the screen. When the picture comes back, Joe is talking to Stan. Sunshine is wrapped in gunny cloth in the background with Carla staring at her grinning.
Rogan: Okay, now, Stan. You know that you don’t have to beat Carla’s two minute time. All you have to beat is the four hours that it took Sunshine. Do you think you can do that?
Stan: Cripes, I should hope so. I still can’t get over that. I’ve never seen a woman enjoy rolling in garbage so much.
Rogan: Well, she probably could have shaved some time if she hadn’t stopped for that twenty minute Grateful Dead Medley, but you still have to beat her time. Do you feel up to it?
Stan: Hell, yeah. Let’s do this.
Rogan: All right, now all you have to do is beat two hours.
Stan: Two hours nothing, I’m going to beat that dyke’s two minute time. I can’t go home knowing that a broad beat me, even if she is half-dude.
Rogan: All right! I was hoping you’d feel that way. This was getting a little embarrassing. Ok, Stan, go do it.
The camera shows Stan stretching and getting limbered up for the contest. We hear his voice over as he prepares.
Stan: (In voice over) This is going to be a piece of cake. I was on the football team in high school, and – you know – I’ve stayed involved in athletics. I play the parlays at work, you know what I’m sayin’. And I’m very active in my fantasy baseball league. And I never miss a chance to help out with the annual club pig-roast at the lodge – you know – ’cause the helpers get free pork, and those pigs; they can get a little bit heavy.
Rogan: Okay, Stan, on your mark, get set, go!
Stan grabs a bundle of papers and heaves, but there’s no ho. The papers stay put like they’re glued to the ground. He tries again. Still nothing. Finally, he gets behind the bundle and starts shoving it slowly across the lot. The camera shifts to Rogan who is paying paper money to Carla out of his own wallet having lost a bet.
The camera cuts back to Stan and we see by the onscreen clock that fourteen minutes have passed. He is exhausted, but he has gotten the last of the bundles to the bin. He strains to lift the first one, and half way up the bin’s side, he presses the stack against the wall of the bin and uses it to brace the papers while he takes a breather.
Stan: (In voice over) In retrospectiveness , I guess those ten eggs I had for breakfast weren’t such a good idea. That garbage stunk, and I could feel the yolks trying to come back up on me. Anyway, I think you guys must have given me heavier paper than the others got or something.
The camera cuts to the others who are shouting things to Stan.
Rogan: Come on, you wuss, are you going to let a couple of tree hugging girls beat you? Be a man, for Cripe’s sake.
Carla: Hey, Stan, just in case you’re going to have a heart attack, can I have your girlfriend’s phone number?
Sunshine: Come on, Stan, you can do it. Or not. Nobody is judging you here, Stan.
The camera cuts back to Stan as he begins rooting through the bottles looking for the cans. Finally, he gets an idea, and he begins pulling things out and trying to crush them on his forehead. If they crush, he tosses them in the can bin. He finishes with a time of nineteen minutes.
The camera shifts to Rogan who announces Stan’s time; and as Stan cheers, Rogan turns to Sunshine.
Rogan: I’m sorry, Sunshine, but it looks like we have to say “goodbye” to you now.
Sunshine begins to extend her hand to shake hands, but the gunny begins to slip.
Rogan: Woa, sorry, Sunshine, but it’s against the rules for me to shake hands with the contestants.
Carla: Since when?
Rogan: Since I don’t want to see those hairy legs again.
As Sunshine walks away from the group, we hear her in voice over.
Sunshine: (In voice over) Well, it was a fun experience, and I really got a cool outfit to wear at the next N.O.R.M.L. rally. Hey wait, is this sack made of hemp. Cool, the old man is going to love this. Who needs the $50,000 prize. This is much better.
The camera is back on the remaining contestants.
Rogan: Well, it’s down to the two of you now, and we only have the two contests to go. Tomorrow is the food challenge, so come hungry, and I’ll see you guys there.
After the commercial (an ad for McDonalds, one for Exxon and one for Nike shoes,) we see the two remaining contestants walking onto a field somewhere. Camera cuts to Carla.
Carla: (In voice over) I feel good. I feel confident. I’m glad to be a part of something so progressive. I’m really glad I got to stay on after the first day. Partly because I want to win, but also because of that cute production assistant. What’s her name anyway?
Camera moves to Stan.
Stan: (In voice over) Well, I can’t say I’m not disappointed in my performance yesterday, but I’m sure I’m going to win today. I can eat anything. I have a cast iron stomach. Anyway, I’m just really glad I didn’t blow it yesterday. This way, I get to spend some more time with that hot production assistant. Wait. My girlfriend is going to watch this. You guys will edit that out right?
Camera is on Joe Rogan standing at a cooler in the middle of the field. As the contestants reach him, he begins to explain the stunt.
Rogan: Okay, you guys are looking good. So here’s today’s stunt. Usually, we have our contestants eat something foul for this part of the game. Usually it’s something like cow brains, or raw squid, or bull testicles. But this is Politically Correct Fear Factor, so we had to come up with something vegetable based. Well, there’s not so much in the vegetable world that’s all that gross, plus we kind of need both of you to last through this one to fill the hour, so this one is sort of a gimme. All you have to do is eat a carrot covered in chocolate, and then we’ll move on to the final stunt. Do you think you can handle that?
Stan: Yeah, sure. Bring it on.
Carla: Wait. A carrot? I can’t eat a carrot. It’s a phallus. I can’t put a carrot in my mouth.
Rogan: If you don’t eat the carrot, you lose. Unless Stan refuses to eat it too.
Stan: I said, no problem. Give me the carrot, so I can get paid.
Rogan: Carla, it’s just a carrot. Come on. We have to fill the hour. We fed the Playboy chicks strawberries just so we’d have enough left to fill the hour. You can’t chicken out in the second stunt. We need at least two of you to finish the show.
Carla: Well too bad, because I’m not putting that thing in my mouth.
Rogan: Well, okay, what if we made it a turnip?
Stan: Hey, you can’t change the rules in the middle of the game.
Carla: Well, they’re the right shape, but they’re a little small. If you made it a melon…
Stan: If you change the rules now, then I won’t eat it, and you’ll be in the same boat you are now.
Rogan: Okay, Stan, you win, I mean we’ll do it your way. You both have to eat a chocolate overed carrot to stay in the game.
Carla: I’m not eating that.
Rogan: Okay, then Stan, she’s still in the game unless you can finish the stunt.
Stan: Stunt? It’s a carrot with some syrup on it. Bring it on.
Rogan: Chocolate syrup. It’s pretty gross, don’t you think.
Stan: You just said it was a gimme. Here watch. (He takes the carrot from Joe and bites of a large chunk.)
Rogan: (To Stan as he chews) You have to eat the whole thing, you know? You can quit now if you want, and we’ll call it a tie. I know that has to taste awful.
Stan: No, it’s okay. Can I have some extra chocolate sauce?
Rogan: All right, you win. You get the $50,000. (As Stan cheers and jumps around, Rogan turns to the camera.) That’s all for this special edition of P.C. Fear Factor. I hope you liberal freaks are happy. We’ll probably be canceled next week. This sucks!
FADE OUT
